Thorny
When he first met her by the carousel, her mind seemed to be elsewhere. As she scanned the crowd, as if looking for someone, Aydar approached her nervously. Perhaps it was his desperate search for an answer that brought him to her or perhaps it was the loneliness that had moved into his apartment upon his arrival in this town.
“Hello Rose,” he said quietly. She turned at the sound of her name and motioned him towards a less populated area of the carnival. After handing her a wad of bills, they turned and headed for the exit. They walked in silence for a few minutes, the carnival getting smaller and smaller in the distance. “Why Rose?” Aydar blurted out suddenly.
Rose smirked, “My parents wanted me to be perfect and beautiful, just like the rose.” Aydar thought about her answer for a moment.
“Do they know about…?” he began before trailing off. Rose shook her head and kept walking. “How long have you…?” he started again. Rose looked at him, her eyebrows knitted together. It was becoming clear to Aydar that she had no intention of discussing her personal life with him and he was beginning to feel as if this encounter would result in only his shame rather than any progress in solving the mystery Jack Stars had inexplicably involved him in. He began to mull over his decisions the past few weeks. He had hunted down an unusual rose pattern, visited a Cutlery Museum, practically stalked a neighbor and left her note, and for what? Now he was paying for a service that his family would certainly disapprove of, pretending that his only reason was destiny not loneliness.
“Are you coming inside?” Rose asked, bringing Aydar back to the present. Aydar looked at the doorway to Rose’s apartment.
“Yes,” he replied. Perhaps he would find something useful inside.
“Hello Rose,” he said quietly. She turned at the sound of her name and motioned him towards a less populated area of the carnival. After handing her a wad of bills, they turned and headed for the exit. They walked in silence for a few minutes, the carnival getting smaller and smaller in the distance. “Why Rose?” Aydar blurted out suddenly.
Rose smirked, “My parents wanted me to be perfect and beautiful, just like the rose.” Aydar thought about her answer for a moment.
“Do they know about…?” he began before trailing off. Rose shook her head and kept walking. “How long have you…?” he started again. Rose looked at him, her eyebrows knitted together. It was becoming clear to Aydar that she had no intention of discussing her personal life with him and he was beginning to feel as if this encounter would result in only his shame rather than any progress in solving the mystery Jack Stars had inexplicably involved him in. He began to mull over his decisions the past few weeks. He had hunted down an unusual rose pattern, visited a Cutlery Museum, practically stalked a neighbor and left her note, and for what? Now he was paying for a service that his family would certainly disapprove of, pretending that his only reason was destiny not loneliness.
“Are you coming inside?” Rose asked, bringing Aydar back to the present. Aydar looked at the doorway to Rose’s apartment.
“Yes,” he replied. Perhaps he would find something useful inside.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you like about the topic sentence?
The use of a new perspective (almost like 3rd person, but also 2nd person because they address the reader) is really unique and adds nuance to the story
What do you want to know about them?
Who is this new friend?
One thing you are unclear about the character, give them a suggestion about how to clarify this.
How does this possession impact her relationships with other people? Don’t others notice when she’s possessed? Or when she wakes up in random places with no memory? I think you should add something about this.
Give them a suggestion on how to develop characterization.
Don’t just let your character be an object through which you further the plot, make them dynamic and three dimensional. Include characterizing details while also continuing the storyline.
It raises the natural question of who “her” is, a tension which is resolved when Aydar speaks in the next paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe distance of knowledge in the first sentence brings the audience closer to want to know more about who the “her” is
The awkward interaction between the Rose and Aydar characterizes him well.
What were the “daily hospital visits” in NY about? (from prior blog)
He seems like he’s just shallowly entering each piece of the puzzle (the rose-related objects), but never really pursues each query. He’s gonna have to investigate one of these aspects at some point, kind of becoming active in trying to figure stuff out. I think he’s headed in that direction with the Rose interaction, and that in-depth quest will let you really develop him.
Topic sentences: “Rose looked at him, her eyebrows knitted together,” good sentences becuase of the word choice of “knitted” enhances the emotion in the situation.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: what is the the purpose of the money aydar gave to rosa ?
Unclear on: what is aydar hopeing to find in rosa apratment ?
Suggestion: what are you hopeing to get out of the relationship you have with rosa, in other words what is your purpose of working with her.
1. Really good sentence (plot moving, develops character, really nice sentence)
ReplyDeleteIt was becoming clear to Aydar that she had no intention of discussing her personal life with him and he was beginning to feel as if this encounter would result in only his shame rather than any progress in solving the mystery Jack Stars had inexplicably involved him in.
2. Any question you want to ask?
Has loneliness been something Aydar has struggled with a lot?
3. Something you’re unclear about?
How does Aydar know that Rose has information that he can get?
4. One suggestion to develop character
Talk more about how loneliness affects Aydar’s mental health.
Mr. Salimov, from one floor down, had recently sent Stephanie a note, after which they met for the first time. Apparently he’d thought she sent him the watch so he was just as confused as Stephanie when she revealed she hadn’t. Little by little, pieces started coming together. With her collection, Aydar’s testament, and the remains of the police’s evidence, she had managed to piece together a story.
ReplyDeleteThey both believed that Rose, Pittus that is, wasn’t guilty.
Dorothy Rose was a photographer, after all. She could have taken the two photos of Stephanie, as well as the picture of Mr. Evans that Stephanie Lovett had found in the parking lot and turned in to the police.
They couldn’t be sure, though. Unfortunately, many police files were already missing, leading Stephanie and Aydar to suspect someone had already rifled through them. If only they had access to the station’s security cameras.
Their curiosity, and lack of evidence, led them to watch Dorothy with a close eye. They took turns monitoring activity to and from her apartment, day and night; however their efforts yielded few results. Dorothy seemed completely normal, except her frequent trips to Bea.
Such excruciating efforts led Stephanie to lose track of time in the previous days: she’d been late to work for the first time, late to dinner dates with Oliver and his family, and late to pay her bills. The only thing she wasn’t late for was watching Dorothy. That seemed to be all that mattered at the moment: figuring out if she sent the packages, what she knew about Evans, and how everything might be connected.